Focus on the rollercoaster
Classes start very soon, and I'm not ready. I mentioned to my boss yesterday that I wasn't yet up to facing the semester, and--she stopped me. "Facing the semester?" she said. As if it were an ordeal to be overcome or an unpleasant chore!
Yes, it's been those things at times, but I want to respond to it with the same glee that overtakes me when I pick up academic books at the library. (Oo! "The Ethnography of Reading"! Oo! "Faith and Narrative!" Oo! Oo!) After thinking about it, crying a little with my lover last night, and talking for most of the evening, I came to a few realizations.
It's not that I dread the classes. When I think about taking classes this fall, I'm excited and curious--I can't wait for the first week, to sort through syllabi and see what comes up, to check out reading lists and start poking at the topics. Whenever I think just about what's coming up, I'm eager to start.
What is upsetting me is my current work, or rather, my inability to get it all done and ready. My Second Planting isn't ready yet! I want to be the fool in the field, and yank up the seedlings to help them grow...I want to have it all done and ready by equinox, and that's simply not possible.
It reminds me of the same dreariness that tends to overtake me in my second year of a job. I don't manifest anticipation and joy for the future, because I'm so aware of the undone work of the past.
But life doesn't fall into neat parcels, with each new event tidily packaged and all loose ends tied up in between. There are no chapter breaks, as much as I love narrative. And therefore, one of my hardest lessons is to keep at a good work, even under the weight of unfinished projects or past mistakes.
It is the second day of the long walk: muscles complaining about yesterday's travel and the landscape losing its novelty--but never its beauty. There will soon be the second wind and the rush of momentum. I have to be a Janus, looking forward and hungry for the new semester, and looking backward to accept and continue the work that isn't yet ready.
posted by Arachne @ 5:07 AM
2 Comments:
I've had a very hard time settling into this semester. It's two weeks in and already I've missed two classes.
My reluctance seems to be the SOS. My disablities go unaccomadated and to adcovate for them gives the professors the impression I want a handout. So this year I decided not to do any advocating. I turned in the paperwork I was supposed to and am now just sitting and waiting. It took me a long time to learn that institutional rights will always supercede individual rights.
I had always wanted to get a PhD., but now I realize there is no way. Academia is so full of itself, so arrogant, so self rightous that I can't abuse myself by being a part of it much longer. I used to have confidence and self respect, but I do not. The first day of class they beat that out of you making you feel like crap about yourself.
That's where the chest pain is coming from. I just need to get it under control so I can go back on Tuesday and get my work done.
I hope you have a better semester than I am (thus far, anyways)
I understand what you mean about not having enough time before school starts. I wish I had a few more weeks. :)
Good luck on keeping up and most of all - have fun!
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